She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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