Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
