i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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