I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
