I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize