Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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