she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
