it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
