The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
