don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
