my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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