where am i from again
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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