I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
