My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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