Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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