ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
