The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
