Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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