I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
