did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize