she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
