Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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