My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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