Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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