just survived the first fart of the relationship.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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