so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
