apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
