Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
