The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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