I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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