Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
