My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
the liver wants what the liver wants
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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