I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
