watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize