I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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