8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
