walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize