Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
