Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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