fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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