I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
