last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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