I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
