drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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