Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
sarcasm needs its own font
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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