The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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