Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
