On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
