You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
