First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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