Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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