I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
