I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
