my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
