Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
