i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
