So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just sucked dick on a ferry
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
