A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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